


Christmas Plans

by TheCrazyGeek



Category: The Thick of It (TV)
Genre: Christmas, Humour, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-10
Updated: 2013-11-10
Packaged: 2018-01-01 02:44:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1039406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheCrazyGeek/pseuds/TheCrazyGeek
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>4 times that Julius tried to get Malcolm to join in the Nicholson family Christmas...and the time he succeeded.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Christmas Plans

**Author's Note:**

> Written as a short piece for various lovely people on Tumblr who wanted a Malcolm/Julius piece. This one is for you guys :)

1\. Planning

“No”

“Do please refrain from being so obstructive Malcolm”. Julius was trying to get Malcolm to agree to a family gathering on Christmas day, Julius having grown up in a life where the entire Nicholson clan would show up on the doorstep and play games and enjoy roast turkey and watch the Queen’s speech. Malcolm though didn’t like large groups of people and as far as he was concerned his once-yearly visits to Glasgow to see his sister and mother were more than enough.

“I said fucking NO ye bald twat. I’m all for spendin’ Christmas screwing ye into the mattress but I’m no’ having a fucking audience”

2\. Bribery

Threats wouldn’t work on Malcolm, Julius knew this.

After several days where Julius had cooked Malcolm’s favourite foods, allowed him to play his music in the lounge (try as he might, Julius couldn’t deal with prog rock) and raised no objections to Malcolm throwing food at the television whenever David Cameron came on the screen, it was clear that his plans were transparent.

“Alright ye auld twat, why are you treatin’ me like the fucking Duchess of Cambridge?”

Julius looked up from his copy of the Times. “I simply have no idea what you are referring to”

“Fuck off, I didn’t spend this many years in politics without knowing when some arse is trying tae bribe me. No it won’t work either, I’m not spending Christmas around a fuckin’ hoard of upper class twats”

3\. Insider knowledge

Sam was the undisputed keeper of Malcolm’s secret habits and preferences and famously could not be persuaded to divulge them for any reason. Julius had rather liked the young woman for this. She was also brilliant and fiercely loyal to Malcolm for some reason, Julius had his own theory about that – that Malcolm, deprived of any chance to have children of his own, had taken the lovely young lady under his wing.

It did, however mean that she had been trained by the best to be stubborn, private and sometimes even scary.

“No”

“Samantha, it is for his own good after all. Do you not think he deserves to know at least once what it would be like to spend a merry family Christmas?” Julius had been trying to persuade Sam for just a tiny piece of information, any leverage to get Malcolm to calm down about it.

Sam fixed him with a steely glare and then saw the sincerity in his eyes. Holy hellfire on toast, he really does love him. Her shoulders slumped and she looked about to make sure nobody else could hear.

“He’s had a hard life Julius. What you take for granted he never had. And that’s all I’m saying.”

Julius smiled. “Thank you. Still joining me for afternoon tea later?”

“Wouldn’t miss it”.

4\. Planning

Julius flipped through his address book (he did not trust computers to not lose his data so preferred leather-bound notebooks and diaries where ever feasible) and made notes on a pad next to him.

Uncle James was out of course, his outspoken dislike of anybody working class would result in a fight with Malcolm within 10 seconds. Likewise his cousin George who felt that ‘poofters’ and ‘dark people’ should be driven out of the country.

Malcolm wouldn’t just kill someone for those opinions, he’d make them suffer first. Julius wanted a Christmas Day, not a massacre.

After a few hours and many cups of tea (Earl Grey of course, Malcolm detested the smell of it so Julius only drank it alone) he’d settled on a list of his least objectionable relations. It still needed something else though so Malcolm wouldn’t feel so alone amidst a sea of ‘chinless fucking twats’.

Smiling, Julius picked up the phone and dialled a number in Glasgow.

5\. Event

The tirade of profanity that had issued from Malcolm’s mouth when he’d opened the curtains and noticed cars pulling up on the driveway of Julius’ ancestral estate had been one of his best. In one breath he’d managed to compare Julius to every kind of disgusting animal, underhanded politician and several fetishes that Julius knew he’d have to look up later, before breathing in and going for another bout.

Julius swiftly exited the room for a shower.

Later on, dressed in his jeans and favourite snuggly fleece, Malcolm consented to come downstairs and meet the assembled representatives of the Nicholson clan. Still pissed-off but determined to not sulk like a fucking kid, Malcolm did his best to be nice. To be fair, they weren’t a bad lot. No weird fucking accents, no bigoted remarks and no mistaking him for one of the servants and the few kids there were decently behaved. If he’d been any other man he’d have smiled at Julius playing marbles on the floor of the living room with some of his nephews.

“Malcolm, do go and get the door. A taxi just pulled up and I’m very close to winning this round” Julius interrupted and Malcolm sighed and stomped off. Not more Nicholsons please. Malcolm found himself wishing that Julius could have had the common fucking decency to invite Sam, or Jamie…or even fucking Nicola would do. Give him someone to talk to that he knew.

It was in this mood that he opened the front door.

“Let us in will ye? It’s fuckin’ freezin’ out here and ye know Ma feels the cold!”

Later, with Julius’ nephew David playing some imaginary game with Malcolm’s niece and Malcolm’s sister and mother chatting with a few relations, Julius managed to get Malcolm to one side and warp an arm around his skinny frame.

“There. You did a family Christmas without anybody exploding or you having to throw any of my relations out of the window”

“Fucking poof” Malcolm retorted but didn’t make an attempt to move the arm resting on his shoulders, “sooner throw you ontae something but this’ll do aye”

Pulling him closer, Julius asked just what Malcolm had been planning to throw him onto.

“The bed ye stupid balding prat. I’ll do it later once this lot fuck off”

Julius counted this as a success.


End file.
